The ScooterBlog

So in the midst of getting chewed out today (and rightfully so) by a good friend whom told me I never talked on the phone, I realized something … something that scares me a lot. I’m closing into a shell again. There are moments where this isn’t the case, and there are moments where I’m me, or what I think me is … but anymore, something is becoming more and more prevalent. I’m in a shell.

I’ll relate back a ways. Back 10 years ago now, during the summer of ‘93, something happened and I changed up. During my sophomore year of high school, I was depressed, I was unhappy, my grades suffered and I hated myself. I had a multitude of problems that I don’t quite know how I worked out, just that experiences I had during that year left me shaken, experiences I’ve told many people in pieces, but that I’ve never told anyone in full (they’re not bad things or illegal things, they are partially juvenile and partially adult in nature …. so no going out and calling the cops, this isn’t that kind of trauma(. But that summer afterwards, something happened. I can’t trigger it back to a single event, but I opened up. I talked to more people, I came out of my shell and almost instantly I went from being someone in my class who was a total introvert to someone who fit in, who knew everyone and got along with everyone. I think I’ve been that way ever since.

So, on Monday night, I was supposed to meet my friend Lisa at Applebee’s … and I overslept it and didn’t make it and didn’t call her. She was ticked at me, bad, and she should be. And when I talked to her tonight (and I’m glad we talked for about an hour tonight, I needed it and I’m glad although I’m in the “doghouse”, we’re getting along), she said that when we talk, it’s always her talking to me and not the other way around, and that it’s theraputic for her to lsiten sometimes too. Truth be told, anymore, it’s not only theraputic for me to be the listener, I sometimes feel that’s how it is, but I worry about that.

The worry is simple: I sometimes feel that my life is too boring to warrant talking about. I don’t make it a point to remember specific events, I don’t talk about things that happen over the course of my day, or what I’m playing in video games (which lately hasn’t been any), or what I did over the weekend. I don’t hate my life, but sometimes I think I have a point to point existance that isn’t worth bothering anyone else about … I wake up, I goto work, I come home, I dink around on the computer, and I goto sleep. I find nothing worth mentioning in that kind of day, and I read about other people’s days on here and it’s a story … something that draws me in and keeps my interest. It’s like, I don’t expect anyone else to care about gaskets, or about video games, and a lot of times, if I’m not up on my video games, I’m content to just be a listener, and not bring something new to the conversation … thus, it gets to where I’m supposed to talk, and there’s dead time, because I don’t have that thing from work to talk about, or I don’t think mentioning that Halo match I played against a friend. Where DID my creativity and imagination go?!

I worry that this possible closing up of my shell is why I don’t meet women …. cause meeting them is all about making a good first impression, trying to be interesting, and having something to talk about. If I don’t have anything interesting, why then would I have the confidence to go out there and talk to someone I don’t know? Do I think saying I’m a salesman and a geek is going to get me slapped or something by her, whoever that her may be? Well of course not, but that confidence I WANT sure isn’t there … I have a little, from the Empire escapades of a couple of weeks ago now, but I don’t have the confidence I want, and I don’t have the confidence in the person I am right now.

And on top of all this, you figure all this a week before I’m going outside. Talk about a life crisis at the worst possible time! Selling to people is about confidence in what you’re doing, not just walking through the door and having some knowledge … it’s about making that person you’re talking to believe in you as a person and as someone whom can help them. That takes confidence. I know I can talk to people but I don’t do facades. The fact I was so pissed at myself about standing up Lisa last night convinces me I can’t be a fraud, and I can’t be something I am not … when I try, I know it and others around me know it. Elizabeth walked up to me at lunch, and even though it wasn’t a great morning, she just phrased it to me by saying “you wish this day was over don’t you?” … and I said, “I wish it was over last night!”, I wear my emotions and my weaknesses on my sleeve, and hopefully my strengths too.

I just hope I open up … I know there’s no magic formula to it, but I don’t want to start thinking that me is some introvert who doesn’t talk. I don’t think that’s who I am, I really don’t.