The ScooterBlog

Ahh yes, the good feeling of feeing like normal again. which is how I do. Work was average … it was weird really, I just came in, worked, worked, and then it was over. At least I now have an idea of the accounts that I am going to have when I go on the road: my uncle gave me about 100 file folders with old accounts that a salesman about a year and a half called on, but that no one’s called on since then. Hopefully I can jump on these and make the most of them, as I don’t know yet how many “established” accounts i’m getting. I did also find out I’m calling on Hamilton and Butler counties mainly … so the idea of moving in with Doug is looking better and better, it would sure let me save up money, and would save me commute if I’m calling in both of these areas. I’d have one day of a worse commute … and 4 days where it’s better. It also opens other options as far as roomates, might room with Larry if he has room, or with Stephen cause it’s close to his game store job.

And in fact he’s coming over in a little bit to hang out. Dunno what we’re gonna do, but it should be fun … probably just going to play a lot of video games and check out his iBook, cause he’s getting a new game for his (either Neverwinter Nights or Age fo Mythology) … so yes, life is good today!

So in the midst of getting chewed out today (and rightfully so) by a good friend whom told me I never talked on the phone, I realized something … something that scares me a lot. I’m closing into a shell again. There are moments where this isn’t the case, and there are moments where I’m me, or what I think me is … but anymore, something is becoming more and more prevalent. I’m in a shell.

I’ll relate back a ways. Back 10 years ago now, during the summer of ‘93, something happened and I changed up. During my sophomore year of high school, I was depressed, I was unhappy, my grades suffered and I hated myself. I had a multitude of problems that I don’t quite know how I worked out, just that experiences I had during that year left me shaken, experiences I’ve told many people in pieces, but that I’ve never told anyone in full (they’re not bad things or illegal things, they are partially juvenile and partially adult in nature …. so no going out and calling the cops, this isn’t that kind of trauma(. But that summer afterwards, something happened. I can’t trigger it back to a single event, but I opened up. I talked to more people, I came out of my shell and almost instantly I went from being someone in my class who was a total introvert to someone who fit in, who knew everyone and got along with everyone. I think I’ve been that way ever since.

So, on Monday night, I was supposed to meet my friend Lisa at Applebee’s … and I overslept it and didn’t make it and didn’t call her. She was ticked at me, bad, and she should be. And when I talked to her tonight (and I’m glad we talked for about an hour tonight, I needed it and I’m glad although I’m in the “doghouse”, we’re getting along), she said that when we talk, it’s always her talking to me and not the other way around, and that it’s theraputic for her to lsiten sometimes too. Truth be told, anymore, it’s not only theraputic for me to be the listener, I sometimes feel that’s how it is, but I worry about that.

The worry is simple: I sometimes feel that my life is too boring to warrant talking about. I don’t make it a point to remember specific events, I don’t talk about things that happen over the course of my day, or what I’m playing in video games (which lately hasn’t been any), or what I did over the weekend. I don’t hate my life, but sometimes I think I have a point to point existance that isn’t worth bothering anyone else about … I wake up, I goto work, I come home, I dink around on the computer, and I goto sleep. I find nothing worth mentioning in that kind of day, and I read about other people’s days on here and it’s a story … something that draws me in and keeps my interest. It’s like, I don’t expect anyone else to care about gaskets, or about video games, and a lot of times, if I’m not up on my video games, I’m content to just be a listener, and not bring something new to the conversation … thus, it gets to where I’m supposed to talk, and there’s dead time, because I don’t have that thing from work to talk about, or I don’t think mentioning that Halo match I played against a friend. Where DID my creativity and imagination go?!

I worry that this possible closing up of my shell is why I don’t meet women …. cause meeting them is all about making a good first impression, trying to be interesting, and having something to talk about. If I don’t have anything interesting, why then would I have the confidence to go out there and talk to someone I don’t know? Do I think saying I’m a salesman and a geek is going to get me slapped or something by her, whoever that her may be? Well of course not, but that confidence I WANT sure isn’t there … I have a little, from the Empire escapades of a couple of weeks ago now, but I don’t have the confidence I want, and I don’t have the confidence in the person I am right now.

And on top of all this, you figure all this a week before I’m going outside. Talk about a life crisis at the worst possible time! Selling to people is about confidence in what you’re doing, not just walking through the door and having some knowledge … it’s about making that person you’re talking to believe in you as a person and as someone whom can help them. That takes confidence. I know I can talk to people but I don’t do facades. The fact I was so pissed at myself about standing up Lisa last night convinces me I can’t be a fraud, and I can’t be something I am not … when I try, I know it and others around me know it. Elizabeth walked up to me at lunch, and even though it wasn’t a great morning, she just phrased it to me by saying “you wish this day was over don’t you?” … and I said, “I wish it was over last night!”, I wear my emotions and my weaknesses on my sleeve, and hopefully my strengths too.

I just hope I open up … I know there’s no magic formula to it, but I don’t want to start thinking that me is some introvert who doesn’t talk. I don’t think that’s who I am, I really don’t.

Boy, there are those days that when you look back just are boring …. tiring and boring I should say. This would be one of them. I left the house this morning at 7:20 to go to work, and hit traffic, busted it for 8 hours at one job, 3 at another, and talked it up with Jen and Shayne in the times before and after those occurances. And now, it’s midnight … and I’m just now home! Listening to the new track I’ve got constantly stuck in my head from Evanescence (as usual, I’m late to the bandwagon … and I like it like that).

The more people I tell about my outside sales job, the more excited I get and the more feedback I get, and thankfully a lot of positive feedback too … that if I know the product, and keep my confidence up, it will go well. Jen was the most confident of anyone to me, and the personal experiences she relayed to me about her job at Kinko’s rocked, cause there she’s seen both sides of it … partially working inside the branch and partially outside on larger accounts, something I’d like to get to the point of being able to do. I know her help’s going to prove to be valuable, and on top of that, she rocks, and I’ve convinced her and Shayne to go dancing sometime soon. Yeah, after the other night at Empire, I want to be getting back there, and soon!

Cursed Fantasy Football! I lost my work league game by … not a point, not a half point, but 0.05 points! Basically, one passing yard. Curse you Rich Gannon. If I can’t rely on you against my Bengals, when CAN I rely on you?!

On that, I depart to immerse myself in hydrocortisone again … I’m breaking out with rashes on my arm, don’t know why … quite worrisome really, hope it’s just allergies.

Out!

Welcome to the first foray into my LiveJournal existance ….. here we go …

• Go Marvin! My Bengals finally looked respectable. Call me nothing more then a poor misguided dejected fan of a team that I pray someday in my adult life, yes, someday, will be good, but I’ll take a good 23-20 showing where if the team’s IQ can make it up JUST a couple more points, we’ll win. It’s 0-2 yes, but it’s something … hey, it’s the Bengals … we keep our stats based on moral victories!
• Go Empire! You know, the girl that I danced with on Saturday night at the club is probably never going to know my name after that night … and will never know I’m posting this on a wide open Internet forum … and will never know that her flirting with me (and just as crucial that I caught it, hell, if I didn’t I’d be looking for the shotgun for the self-lobotomy), and dancing all up on me and running her hand down my shoulder the way she did, gave me what I haven’t had in a long time … guts. Stones. Gahongas, whatever. It’s a good feeling to have back again, I think I need to go back, and soon.

On both of these random thoughts, I leave on this:
LINK

-OUT!